J'accuse!

I got called on my own self-aggrandizing the other day. It was great. No irony.

I always try to keep around the friends who keep my ego in check. I know the value of a good friend as one who has the courage to stand up to my bluster and make me see my own pomp. I know I have a tendency towards an .... arrogance. It's part of what makes me a good liar. It's also what makes me a good teacher. Sometimes, it makes me a bad friend.

I have no idea how this skill/fault developed. It's one of the dark corners of my personality. Usually, right when I need it, someone will take the time to look at me and say, "No. What you think? Yeah, it's wrong." Usually, I've gone out too far on a limb and rightly need to be brought back.

This time, though....it was something else. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself if things are going rough. But somehow, behaving with unintentional condescension came out, too. I was reminded that a friendship isn't something you endure; it's about giving. When you're extorting friendship, that's an ugly thing.

Luckily, it's still a small thing. If there was an expose being filmed about me, the circumstances of this incident would make even the most tenacious tabloid journalist give up. But what it represents in microcosm is a larger problem with my behavior.

I honestly don't know if my friend was purposefully upbraiding me, or if what was said just had significance for me alone. It's enough to say I felt contrition. Just like in a concert performance, I need to examine how I come off to other people, not just inside my own head.

Good think it's simple to practice.