"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer...
because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt. "
--Thomas Merton, (1915-1968)
Avoiding pain is one of our most basic instincts. We share it with all humans, animals, and even single-celled organisms. When we pick up something hot, our reflexes make us flex our hand to drop the item. If the sun is burning our skin, we move to the shade. If the company of someone is unbearable, we'll rearrange our schedules and travel routes to avoid that person. We have a great capacity to direct our lives around painful ideas.
The same is true in romantic relationships. We fear the pain. We are expecting pain, because trying to connect with someone involves revealing one's vulnerabilities. It can be crippling to be vulnerable and then attacked. In some people, the ego bruises easily. In others, the heart or the mind. Showing vulnerability is proposing a mutual trust between friends.
So, we try to limit our exposure to personal suffering. Sarcasm colors every conversation. Sarcasm is safety. It allows the expression of direct feelings, but should the moment be uncomfortable, it gives the fall-back of explaining everything as a joke and ostensibly without truth. Many people only contribute in public with sarcastic words. In some ways, it is a cultural bias. I've know several families who spoke extensively in sarcasm at home, and it produced children who don't speak their feelings without a smokescreen of "plausible deniability". "Do I care if you go to the movies? No, that's great. Take anybody you want!"
Sarcasm is also a tool of people who think that they are smarter than others. Often they use this tone because it obscures their true meanings and allows a feeling of superiority. Then they may feel that they were able to "pull one over" on someone that can't understand what they really mean.
Nothing is quite so manipulative as telling someone a lie and swearing by it.
--Thomas Merton, (1915-1968)
Avoiding pain is one of our most basic instincts. We share it with all humans, animals, and even single-celled organisms. When we pick up something hot, our reflexes make us flex our hand to drop the item. If the sun is burning our skin, we move to the shade. If the company of someone is unbearable, we'll rearrange our schedules and travel routes to avoid that person. We have a great capacity to direct our lives around painful ideas.
The same is true in romantic relationships. We fear the pain. We are expecting pain, because trying to connect with someone involves revealing one's vulnerabilities. It can be crippling to be vulnerable and then attacked. In some people, the ego bruises easily. In others, the heart or the mind. Showing vulnerability is proposing a mutual trust between friends.
So, we try to limit our exposure to personal suffering. Sarcasm colors every conversation. Sarcasm is safety. It allows the expression of direct feelings, but should the moment be uncomfortable, it gives the fall-back of explaining everything as a joke and ostensibly without truth. Many people only contribute in public with sarcastic words. In some ways, it is a cultural bias. I've know several families who spoke extensively in sarcasm at home, and it produced children who don't speak their feelings without a smokescreen of "plausible deniability". "Do I care if you go to the movies? No, that's great. Take anybody you want!"
Sarcasm is also a tool of people who think that they are smarter than others. Often they use this tone because it obscures their true meanings and allows a feeling of superiority. Then they may feel that they were able to "pull one over" on someone that can't understand what they really mean.
Nothing is quite so manipulative as telling someone a lie and swearing by it.
Amen, Brother Andy.
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