"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument."
--William G. McAdoo (1863 - 1941)
A good friend asked my opinions on dealing with frustrating obstinance. At least, I think that was the topic; I confess I wasn't really listening. But I'll proceed as if it was. In the preparation of my response, I took quite a bit of time. It would be a shame to waste that time, so I'm recycling the bulk of the text while adding some comic counterpoint to temper the treacle.
What follows are a few of the ways I've been known to deal with vexation. Specifically, the kind of vexation that occurs when dealing with someone who persists (either by design or accident) in being "troubling".
1. If you've got a piece of paper handy, try drawing ordered geometric shapes. I try to think back to my geometry (I almost wrote "geography") lessons. I draw all kinds of triangles and also on drawing those two dimensional representations of three dimensional cubes. Perhaps this works for me since I try to put a lot of effort into straight lines and proper perspectives. This ordered thinking helps me collect my thoughts, while matching straight lines and connecting intersecting sides.
Downside: People may think you're more knowledgeable in math than you are. Be prepared to be asked to help with homework.
2. Find a calming, repetitive mental image. For me, it's watching the tide recede or advance up the seaweed-covered dock piers in Puget Sound. Thinking about the calming ebb and flow of the waves as the water level moves past the green, floaty seaweed and communities of anchored mussels is extremely ordered. Another that works for me is remembering staring into a fire or a waterfall, and trying to wrap my brain around something that is contained within a specific, ordered frame, but shows complete randomness within it. For bonus points, try tracking the life of water in a waterfall: the solid waterfall eventually breaks into a billion small water droplets. So it starts at the top like pouring out of a pitcher and ends at the bottom like rain.
Downside: Watch out for being consumed in Zen meditation and ignoring the outside world. Do not attempt this while driving, operating heavy machinery, or arguing with one's spouse. Death may result. In all cases.
3. Focus on your own correctness. Obviously, this one is a last resort. The reason it works, and the reason it is dangerous, are the same: it establishes a wall between you and your target. If you are truly confident in your own position, then the most drastic method to "win" (in the space of your own mind) is to invalidate and denigrate the opposing position, while buffing and elevating the friendly case. If you convince yourself that you are right, then opposition becomes fruitless.
Downside: Surely one can appreciate the power of option three. Used in small doses with clearly proclaimed boundaries ("it's just Bob's unpreparedness that's infuriating, not Bob himself."), it works. The danger lies in using it too broadly, or too often ("Bob just isn't right! Ever!"). If one does, it tends to remove any responsibility to actually listen to the person, or try to understand them. It prevents empathy, which is seriously unhealthy, both internally and in relation to others.
Use wisely this power, for it leads to the Dark Side.
Conclusion: Please understand this is not a complete list. Everyone has ways of coping with frustrating adversity. Even for myself, there are many steps in between 2. and 3. There are, I confess, even some methods more egregious than 3., but thankfully they see little or no use.
It is a slippery slope once you convince yourself that you are right and that all opposition to you is false. It is only a short slide to arrive at segregating all people into "with you, or against you". There is a long, hard road back from that position.
A good friend asked my opinions on dealing with frustrating obstinance. At least, I think that was the topic; I confess I wasn't really listening. But I'll proceed as if it was. In the preparation of my response, I took quite a bit of time. It would be a shame to waste that time, so I'm recycling the bulk of the text while adding some comic counterpoint to temper the treacle.
What follows are a few of the ways I've been known to deal with vexation. Specifically, the kind of vexation that occurs when dealing with someone who persists (either by design or accident) in being "troubling".
1. If you've got a piece of paper handy, try drawing ordered geometric shapes. I try to think back to my geometry (I almost wrote "geography") lessons. I draw all kinds of triangles and also on drawing those two dimensional representations of three dimensional cubes. Perhaps this works for me since I try to put a lot of effort into straight lines and proper perspectives. This ordered thinking helps me collect my thoughts, while matching straight lines and connecting intersecting sides.
Downside: People may think you're more knowledgeable in math than you are. Be prepared to be asked to help with homework.
2. Find a calming, repetitive mental image. For me, it's watching the tide recede or advance up the seaweed-covered dock piers in Puget Sound. Thinking about the calming ebb and flow of the waves as the water level moves past the green, floaty seaweed and communities of anchored mussels is extremely ordered. Another that works for me is remembering staring into a fire or a waterfall, and trying to wrap my brain around something that is contained within a specific, ordered frame, but shows complete randomness within it. For bonus points, try tracking the life of water in a waterfall: the solid waterfall eventually breaks into a billion small water droplets. So it starts at the top like pouring out of a pitcher and ends at the bottom like rain.
Downside: Watch out for being consumed in Zen meditation and ignoring the outside world. Do not attempt this while driving, operating heavy machinery, or arguing with one's spouse. Death may result. In all cases.
3. Focus on your own correctness. Obviously, this one is a last resort. The reason it works, and the reason it is dangerous, are the same: it establishes a wall between you and your target. If you are truly confident in your own position, then the most drastic method to "win" (in the space of your own mind) is to invalidate and denigrate the opposing position, while buffing and elevating the friendly case. If you convince yourself that you are right, then opposition becomes fruitless.
Downside: Surely one can appreciate the power of option three. Used in small doses with clearly proclaimed boundaries ("it's just Bob's unpreparedness that's infuriating, not Bob himself."), it works. The danger lies in using it too broadly, or too often ("Bob just isn't right! Ever!"). If one does, it tends to remove any responsibility to actually listen to the person, or try to understand them. It prevents empathy, which is seriously unhealthy, both internally and in relation to others.
Use wisely this power, for it leads to the Dark Side.
Conclusion: Please understand this is not a complete list. Everyone has ways of coping with frustrating adversity. Even for myself, there are many steps in between 2. and 3. There are, I confess, even some methods more egregious than 3., but thankfully they see little or no use.
It is a slippery slope once you convince yourself that you are right and that all opposition to you is false. It is only a short slide to arrive at segregating all people into "with you, or against you". There is a long, hard road back from that position.
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