"My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary."

--Martin Luther (1483 - 1546)

I did some executive arm waving this evening. Conducting the trombone choir at a composer's recital. Very nice things were said about us in the printed program, and very nice things were said about me on the stage by the composer. Plus there was free food. This food, combined with the fact that the dress was only black (not tuxedo) contributed to this being the most enjoyable performance I've been in all year.

Conducting is a odd experience. In a chamber group with six or seven people and relatively uncomplicated music, I can do a lot of interaction with the performers. Interaction and eye contact. What I thought was funny was that while conducting, people are looking back at me. Yes, that sounds really stupid: of course, people are going to be looking back at the conductor so they can find the beat! Yet, I was still surprised to see the players looking back at me while I'm working.

Something else that I noticed: I often like to listen to music with my eyes closed. I didn't just notice that tonight, but it's true. People often do distracting things while playing, and I found that in certain situations, it was easier to close my eyes to block their....antics. Eventually, I realized that I like being "in the dark" while listening to music. It forces me as a listener to evaluate every single sound I hear, not neccesarily the ones I can see happening.

The end result is that for certain moments, I conduct with my eyes closed, caught by the music. Then I have to quickly come back, figure out how many beat patterns I fouled, and get back on track. Very distracting to me as a conductor; I can only imagine how it looks to everyone watching me.

I did have the good sense to remove my wallet, cell phone, pens, and keys before going out on stange. Since people have to stare at my back, I'd rather have them focused on the silly motions I do, not trying to figure out if that's a particularly unattractive bulge of cellulite or a billfold.

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I'm cursed/blessed with the strange ability to know when certain people are nearby. It has nothing to do with hearing people's voices around corners, or expecting certain people at certain times. It's more like the feeling one gets when one realizes that you're being stared at. Certain people set off my personal space awareness.

It's not a bad thing, though it can be distracting. What's even more strange (and I suspect it happens to many people) is those same people are people I can't get out of my head once I've seen them someplace. Once I've seen them, I know they're there. Even if I'm not looking at them, I'm aware of the space they occupy in the room. I almost feel that there's a big blue dot (like they used to use for court witnesses on TV) on top of the person in the panaramic view of my mind's eye.

It's rather like when someone famous comes into a restraunt where I'm eating. I notice them, then spend much of the rest of the meal conspicuously not noticing them.

It's just certain people. It might just be people I'm attracted to, but it seems to be a larger list than just those individuals. Very weird. At any rate, it's rather distracting. It tends to make me focus all my attention on whatever else I'm doing, but in the background, my brain is working overtime to make sure I don't spend to much time re-affirming their locations.