"Trying to be a better person" tastes a lot like aspirin

Ever just have one of those days where, even though everything is fine (or better than fine!), you're still unhappy?

I'm on one of those days right now. Those kind of days when the noise of the world is just TOO LOUD, even though it's quiet now. Only crickets outside.

I heard a fantastic recital today.

I had a tasty dinner.

And I still can't escape the agony of my own mind.

It's no one's fault, really. Not even my own. But through a series of accidents and misdirected cues, I'm having painful things from my past forced into my face again. Not things I suppressed, but things I purposefully left behind. I hoped they would stay in the background, forever remembered and reminding me of the lessons I learned.

But now they're back. White hot against my head. Can't turn away, can't ignore them. Can't let the past rest, when it's forever coming back. I can't look at anything without being reminded what I lack, and the decisions I made.

And that's how I knew it was going to be a long night. I looked at someone I barely know... and I felt envy. I envied their peace of mind. I envied their effortless efforts. And I knew I had to get away, had to leave before it all came apart. I envied what they have...

And here I am. Throwing words out of my fingers, hoping to distract myself. But the automatic type reflex can only occupy my brain for precious seconds. After all the periods and even some of the commas, the brainfire starts again.

I can't stop thinking. I can't stop projecting. I can't stop evaluating.

I can't stop remembering.

This must be what some people use alcohol to temper. My solution is rudimentary tai chi.

This is teetotaling Kansas, after all.