Where Nobody Knows Your Name...

I've had friends making hard choices lately. They're confronted with situations that demand possibly life-changing decisions. As you might expect, the choices were not made without a significant amount of re-thinking. I certainly don't think them weak for taking a while to come to a decision. Or trying out several decisions.

We are social animals. I used to think differently, but after a interlude of soul-searching, I changed my tune. I didn't want to end up the the guy who thought other people had little to offer. It's our friendships and interpersonal relationships that form the framework for who you are. It's one thing to behave a certain way alone, but if a tree falls in the forest....

Some people try really hard to be social. They amp their personalities and become so caricatured, they hardly even feel like real people. Only by isolating these people from the "show" do I begin to feel similarities and kinships with them. It's important to be able to indentify the part of yourself that lives in your friends.

On the other side, I know someone who has few friends. They don't retain friends. Just can't seem to keep them around! I thought it was nonsense. But with the passage of time, I've seen that it's true (or they make it true). The trick is, it's not quite how they described it. They don't lose friends; this person simply doesn't try to keep them.

Good friendships do require a bit of maintenance. Regardless of what the magazines may tell you, no relationship can coast on zero contact. Some friendships are more resistant to decay than others, true, but if you don't at least put a little effort in, people not in contact with each other will drift apart.

So it can be hard to decide to move someplace, whether new or familiar. We have to leave behind friends that we may not ever see again. I've done it four times in the last ten years, each time knowing only a couple of people in my new destination. And I've made friends, good friends, in each location. For an introvert like me, that's saying something.

The trick is, you've got to be open to meeting people. I'll contradict the self-helpists again and say, "You don't even have to try." Trying to meet people is a more advanced course: at least 300 level (cross-listed under "Singles Bars and What to Do There"). The fundamental step is wanting it. In my experience, wanting it makes you open to possibilities that you might otherwise diss, dismiss, or miss.

In an age where a good portion of communication can be done instantly and almost without cost, the list of good excuses for not keeping in touch with friends gets a lot shorter. However, it doesn't make the difficult choices any easier.

Nuts.