Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Look who's still awake.

Though, I suppose by the time you (a normal person in one of the U.S. time zones) read this, it will already be morning. Or even later. So... good morning!

I rather hoped that this would all go away after I made my early morning call. 8:30 Monday morning, I called a person I'd never met and turned down a job. I spent all weekend turning back and forth. By the time the rehearsal ended on Sunday night (a relaxing space of time when I barely thought about it), I had made a decision. Looking at my now-only-manual garage door (that's a different story) and hearing the rain pound on the car roof, I decided that I *had* to take it. Had to.

Yes, it was more of a drive than I wanted.
Yes, it wasn't very much money.
Yes, it was doing something that I didn't particularly want to do.
Yes, it doubled the chance to find myself in proximity to a person I'd rather not be near: from 0.5% to 1.0%.
Yes, there weren't any benefits.
Yes, I would have hated it.

But it was for-real work. And money.

I had talked myself in. By the time the sun rose next morning, I had talked myself out.

I cradled the phone in one hand, watching the time tick by. Closer and closer to the time I was supposed to call. What's the "good" way to turn down a job I haven't been formally offered? Should I even bother to call? I mean, he's probably not even expecting me.

Lies, told to myself. Of course. Eventually, I pushed myself over the mountain and dialed the number. No answer, left a message. Anxiety evaporated. Short and simple.

But still I can't sleep. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's my discomfort for feeling that I somehow let down the friend who referred the job to me? Maybe I don't want there to be even a hint of the obligation which hangs in the air between us: not obligation that I'd need to be appreciative, by the way. No, this obligation runs in the other direction. In some microscopic way that isn't accurate, she feels that she has a small obligation to me. It's nonsense, but trying to talk people out of perceived honor-bound obligations is as ineffectual as attempting to sell carpet to a wall.

Or maybe it's the other friend at the job who presented it as a fait acompli. I've had enough of those jobs this summer, thanks very much. I'd really like to earn a position on my own merit. It doesn't ever seem to be in my cards, though, which is certainly another anxiety-causing factor.

Maybe this is now the new normal, as long as I'm going to be working hard on the papers. Maybe a redoubled effort plays havoc with my internal clock. Perhaps I'm just disturbed by unjustified guilt and discomfort. In any case, it can't be stopped now. I've got things to do!

No comments:

Post a Comment