A Self-Evaluation Cascade

I love writing blog entries that make people comment. Some people give verbal feedback ("I so agree!") and some give written feedback ("Here's my annotated list why you're wrong and you suck"). Occasionally, people who write blogs respond by writing entries that reference me directly, regarding something I said. The entry then spins off into whatever they have to say about that subject or into other areas altogether. It's all very flattering, mainly because I love the idea that something I say causes other people to ponder a particular point.

This time, it's come full circle. Last Tuesday morning, I wrote THIS about a beautiful woman and beauty in general. Then I left town to begin my Thanksgiving holiday. That entry figured tangentially into Minx's entry of the same day, located HERE. In much the same fashion, this entry I'm writing now touches on some of the issues raised in my mind after reading her entry. Everybody confused? Super; let's begin.

Beauty is a hot topic in our culture. We're in the middle of a continuing skirmish between physical beauty and other types of beauty (which are often described only by focusing on characteristics other than physicality). In the beginning, based on the aesthetics of the time, there was a Thought: pretty people are fun to look at. Then came Counter-Thought: we're focusing too much on pretty people; what about everyone else? Then came Counter-Counter-Thought: all well and good, but sex still sells advertising, and we're here to make money. CCCT: You're shallow. CCCCT: You're jealous.

And so on.

Immediately after reading Minx's entry, I started thinking about myself: am *I* beautiful? The thought came because I was reading her descriptions of how she perceives herself: as an invisible woman. Socially invisible, that is, neither hideous nor jaw-droppingly gorgeous enough to stand out from the crowd.

It's very difficult for me to contemplate my own beauty. It seems very vain and rather like writing one's own letter of recommendation: how do I be honest? The other difficulty is that I'm bad at evaluating the attractiveness of my gender, having had little practice.

I'm tall, which statistically works out to a plus. Women usually prefer men who are taller than they are. I'm overweight, which should be a minus. However, I think I get partial credit for "carrying it well", as has been said to me many times. I think this is code for "still looks OK".

I usually have a beard. This has been referred to by women as either a plus or a minus. People have commented that my face is the right shape for a beard, but others have said that it looks silly on me. We'll call this even, as there's no compelling opinion one way or the other, and it's about as easy to have a beard as NOT have one.

Oh, and I'm balding. Bald may be appealing in some people (Patrick Stewart or Yul Brynner), but the half-hearted in-between stages aren't really appealing to anybody.

Personality: Now we get into the hard stuff. I'm known as being intelligent, which is a plus. I'm know as being caring; also positive. Add witty and reliable to the positive heap. I'm known as being acerbic, oblivious, and unmotivated. Sometimes overly sarcastic. Those all go in the minus column.

I could go on picking at myself, but that's not my real goal. In my experience, I'm not handsome enough to tempt people to just come up to me and introduce themselves. My appeal seems to be mostly contained in my personality and other parts of my brain. This has always been... well, not a point of pride exactly... more like a confirmation of the way the world should be run. I've always been very pleased to be valued for what I have to offer, rather than looking good while doing it.

This leads to an interesting result when I've been complimented on my looks. When significant others and just-plain others have told me that I look handsome or pretty, it seems to read in my mind as an affirmation of who I am. My brain doesn't really treat it is "I look good", but more as "My total package is very appealing." In order for me to actually feel physical compliments, they have to be bordering on unromantically specific. ("I really like your nose; it compliments the strong frame of your eyebrows and chin.")

I don't think I'd know what to make of someone who considered me beautiful. My view of my own beauty is so transitory and frankly optional, that I'd be concerned that the people would quickly lose sight of whatever it was they saw. Not only that, but I'd be on unfamiliar ground. Relationships that fluctuate based on what stupid things I say: I can handle that. But something based off of something I can't control, to a large degree? Unsettling.

So, I'm thinking I'm not generally handsome. Just somewhere in the middle. Of course, for a guy, this is completely acceptable. All our sitcoms and celebrities reinforce the idea that middling men can have bombshell women. The Simpsons, King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, Family Guy, Roger Rabbit, Billy Joel, Lyle Lovett, K-Fed, Dennis Kucinich, Donald Trump, and the list goes on and on.

So, by that scale, I'm doing well. I'm intelligent, industrious about my industry, and passionate about my ... er... passions. And society tells me that's enough. I've said it before, and it bears repeated proclamation: I've found it laughably easy to be a decent guy. Men who behave badly make such huge waves that it becomes trivially simple to just be nice.

And in the absence of smacktacular beauty, being nice is a wonderful substitute for a guy. I don't know why it doesn't work that way for women, but I'd imagine it has something to do with "default perceptions". Mainly that women are ALREADY supposed to be nice, so if they're trying to hang their hat on that, it's not going to be noticed. Lucky for me, the standards for men are in a completely different scale. It's easy for me to do the limbo when I can just walk under the 12 foot bar. I wonder why so many other people have trouble?

Of course, smart women aren't merely content to just obtain decency from their partner before matrimony. So I can't afford to rest on my laurels. I've got to get out there and advertise. Otherwise all the savvier gentlemen will act in my place.

P.S. The included self-photo at the top was one of several I took while trying to find a picture to send to my place of employment. It's among the worst of the lot, with my face completely washed of color, double chin showing, great expanse of forehead, and a very strange expression on my face. I include it because this may or may not be how I look most of the time. Obviously, I'd look better under better lighting and with a friendlier angle, but wouldn't we all? This is just me as I am.

This second picture was taken 30 days prior, and looks much more like I think "I" look.