Oh, yes. Now I remember...
I sat at home tonight.
Things gradually fell together in such a way that nothing was going on this evening. I was able to spend time cooking dinner. I ate it watching a movie. I finished it off with the last remains of a container of ice cream (about 10 spoonfuls). Then I made a cup of tea.
And I smiled after everything. I smiled each and every time I walked past the indoor/outdoor thermometer, noting the falling temperatures. I actually chuckled out loud when the temperature finally fell below 32 degrees; chuckled in the way people do when something long awaited happens. Because I'm a strange guy, the falling temperatures make me happy. I thrive on it, in a way that never fails to make people laugh at me, because of my boyish enthusiasm for biting winds, falling temperatures, and overcast skies.
I was alone, which is certainly not surprising. I've spent the better part of most of the previous four year's nights alone. What is surprising is that everyone else missed out on a good time. I certainly enjoyed myself immensely, eating good food and relaxing in a way I haven't been able to do a whole lot of.
And yes, it is a Tuesday night, when most people are saving up for their weekend partying. Or even still recovering from their previous weekend partying. I wrote a letter today, another activity I enjoy. The groove was somewhat lost in a tedious rehearsal, but I recovered well enough by nightfall (which now comes before dinner, since the DST change).
Shortly after my exams, I received a very nice note. A friend who moved away from town to embrace her inner fabulousness sent me a email to let me know she was doing well. Actually, a stranger reading the letter wouldn't think she was well: she speaks of not really knowing anyone in her new town, speaks of missing all her friends she left behind, and mentions that she's no longer seeing her "boyfriend", even though they still have feelings for each other. Doesn't that sound like she's having a great time?
What most people won't realize is that simply by writing, she's communicating a sense of comfort. She never writes when she's depressed, only when she's ruminating. She mentions a particular conversation she and I had over falafel and baklava, where she felt so smothered by the expectations of her relationships she could hardly speak. For worse or (hopefully) better, she has finally made a choice; a choice to stop sitting on the fence, torn in several directions. Relationship or not? One guy or the other? Safety or adventure? Admiration or passion? And perhaps most importantly, does she feel like her own person, making choices she believes in, or just someone who only reacts to other people? If a person has no definite opinions about what direction to proceed, it's very easy to be lead by others who seem to have a good idea where they're going.
She's a good girl, which is a comment I don't intend to be condescending. She's intelligent, talented, and cares deeply about other people. She also lacks an ability to assert herself and a tendency to place herself in situations she doesn't want to be, simply to avoid disappointing people. She seeks a calm place inside her own self, trying to set aside all the things that just don't matter.
She also wrote to tell me that she still reflects on all the conversations we had. Like so many other people nowadays (including me), she embraced the opportunity to talk to someone who would actually listen. I am never quite prepared about how much that means to people. When I have the opportunity to talk to someone who actually listens to what I'm saying, and reads my body language, and understands about the things I *don't* say, it's a relief. An exhalation of some unwittingly held breath, somehow.
If this were a Hollywood screenplay, she (stunningly beautiful and coquettishly shy) and I (an inexplicably muscled busboy who's actually an oil tycoon) would both realize that we're made for each other, and, after approximately 90 minutes of spilled food and obnoxious "best friends" played by comedic actors, we'd end up kissing while sitting under a fountain. As the credits crawled across the screen, the audience would be basking in the assumption that we'd end up married and happily ever after.
That's on screen. Out here in reality, it's quite a bit different. She is attractive, certainly, with eyes that have a mosaic-pattern of green, brown, and gold. In spite of that, however, we're not made for each other. She has long-term independence and trust issues. I'm mired in contemplation of my own magnificence while trying to stay away from as many people as I can. Not to mention there isn't any romantic attachment to begin with. It's the un-match of the season!
Still, we seek each other out because we appreciate each other's company. In the game of "man and woman", it's nice to have a break now and then. Plus, it's never boring to hear what someone else thinks about things I feel are important.
I got a bit distracted from what was supposed to be an entry about how relaxed I was following a meal and repose. It should be obvious that one of the things I do when I'm relaxed is think and, more recently, blog. I'm going to ramp up entry publishing, trying to make up for the previous light month. I'd like to get back to a once-a-day or every other day schedule. We'll see how that goes!
Things gradually fell together in such a way that nothing was going on this evening. I was able to spend time cooking dinner. I ate it watching a movie. I finished it off with the last remains of a container of ice cream (about 10 spoonfuls). Then I made a cup of tea.
And I smiled after everything. I smiled each and every time I walked past the indoor/outdoor thermometer, noting the falling temperatures. I actually chuckled out loud when the temperature finally fell below 32 degrees; chuckled in the way people do when something long awaited happens. Because I'm a strange guy, the falling temperatures make me happy. I thrive on it, in a way that never fails to make people laugh at me, because of my boyish enthusiasm for biting winds, falling temperatures, and overcast skies.
I was alone, which is certainly not surprising. I've spent the better part of most of the previous four year's nights alone. What is surprising is that everyone else missed out on a good time. I certainly enjoyed myself immensely, eating good food and relaxing in a way I haven't been able to do a whole lot of.
And yes, it is a Tuesday night, when most people are saving up for their weekend partying. Or even still recovering from their previous weekend partying. I wrote a letter today, another activity I enjoy. The groove was somewhat lost in a tedious rehearsal, but I recovered well enough by nightfall (which now comes before dinner, since the DST change).
Shortly after my exams, I received a very nice note. A friend who moved away from town to embrace her inner fabulousness sent me a email to let me know she was doing well. Actually, a stranger reading the letter wouldn't think she was well: she speaks of not really knowing anyone in her new town, speaks of missing all her friends she left behind, and mentions that she's no longer seeing her "boyfriend", even though they still have feelings for each other. Doesn't that sound like she's having a great time?
What most people won't realize is that simply by writing, she's communicating a sense of comfort. She never writes when she's depressed, only when she's ruminating. She mentions a particular conversation she and I had over falafel and baklava, where she felt so smothered by the expectations of her relationships she could hardly speak. For worse or (hopefully) better, she has finally made a choice; a choice to stop sitting on the fence, torn in several directions. Relationship or not? One guy or the other? Safety or adventure? Admiration or passion? And perhaps most importantly, does she feel like her own person, making choices she believes in, or just someone who only reacts to other people? If a person has no definite opinions about what direction to proceed, it's very easy to be lead by others who seem to have a good idea where they're going.
She's a good girl, which is a comment I don't intend to be condescending. She's intelligent, talented, and cares deeply about other people. She also lacks an ability to assert herself and a tendency to place herself in situations she doesn't want to be, simply to avoid disappointing people. She seeks a calm place inside her own self, trying to set aside all the things that just don't matter.
She also wrote to tell me that she still reflects on all the conversations we had. Like so many other people nowadays (including me), she embraced the opportunity to talk to someone who would actually listen. I am never quite prepared about how much that means to people. When I have the opportunity to talk to someone who actually listens to what I'm saying, and reads my body language, and understands about the things I *don't* say, it's a relief. An exhalation of some unwittingly held breath, somehow.
If this were a Hollywood screenplay, she (stunningly beautiful and coquettishly shy) and I (an inexplicably muscled busboy who's actually an oil tycoon) would both realize that we're made for each other, and, after approximately 90 minutes of spilled food and obnoxious "best friends" played by comedic actors, we'd end up kissing while sitting under a fountain. As the credits crawled across the screen, the audience would be basking in the assumption that we'd end up married and happily ever after.
That's on screen. Out here in reality, it's quite a bit different. She is attractive, certainly, with eyes that have a mosaic-pattern of green, brown, and gold. In spite of that, however, we're not made for each other. She has long-term independence and trust issues. I'm mired in contemplation of my own magnificence while trying to stay away from as many people as I can. Not to mention there isn't any romantic attachment to begin with. It's the un-match of the season!
Still, we seek each other out because we appreciate each other's company. In the game of "man and woman", it's nice to have a break now and then. Plus, it's never boring to hear what someone else thinks about things I feel are important.
I got a bit distracted from what was supposed to be an entry about how relaxed I was following a meal and repose. It should be obvious that one of the things I do when I'm relaxed is think and, more recently, blog. I'm going to ramp up entry publishing, trying to make up for the previous light month. I'd like to get back to a once-a-day or every other day schedule. We'll see how that goes!
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