Healthy Relationships

I had great news this evening. Out of the blue, I talked with my roommate for three of four undergrad years. I haven't talked to him for months, and it's always nice to catch up with good friends. Even if they've fallen by the wayside. It really is incredible how easy it is to pick up good relations with people if your general demeanor was positive before the interruption.

He let me know that he's engaged to a woman he's been with for at least a couple of years. I can remember sitting in the dark in our dorm room, talking about relationships and women while lying in our do-it-yourself bunk beds (liberal use of duct tape). Now he teaches high school, gets called "Mr." by his students, and is getting married.

This is awesome. I love good news for my friends. Even better when it's a good man whom I lived with for years. I'm sure some of you are wondering what sort of person this guy could be, for me to like him as a roomie. He's basically just like me, except instead of trombone, he listens to a lot of heavy metal. [insert trombone/metal joke here] In a way, perhaps I'm glad he's engaged because it buoys my own relationship perceptions. After all, if a crazy weirdo like HIM can scam.... I mean, woo a girl, there's GOT to be hope for everyone.

Before I get to the real point of this entry, I must make a confession. It's nothing I should feel guilt for, but I feel it just the same. In fact, it's the sort of gleeful "I'm doing something wrong" guilt we used to get when we placed thumbtacks on the teachers chair, or "Vasalined" the science classroom doorknob. I've been listening to a small amount of Christian talk radio. I started when my mp3 player batteries had run out while crossing the state, and now every once and a while, I tune it in to see what's happening.

Usually, it's a pastor speaking about a subject in a recorded sermon. Occasionally, there's some sort of studio show where a pastor gets a bunch of set-up questions lobbed at them by the straight man.

"That's fascinating, Pastor Bob. And speaking of fascinating, are there any good ways to bring the spirit of Christ into my household chores?"

"Steve, I'm glad you asked that. Most people, even most Christians, don't allow the Lord into their laundry rooms! But the Bible clearly tells us that Jesus washed people's feet at the Last Supper. Obviously, Jesus wants us all to follow his example with our white and warm-dark loads. It's all in my new series, 'What Does Jesus Do With My Missing Socks?"

But the last time I listened, it was a call-in relationship advice show. It would have been completely uninteresting except that the caller was a man who was conflicted about when to tell his girlfriend about some homosexual feelings in his past. I figured this was all cut and dried; true to my expectations, the advice-giver praised him for leaving behind his sinful choice and embracing the word of the Lord (and embracing women). Then it came out that he and his girlfriend hadn't really gone out in months. And they only really went out a couple of times, and there were always other people there. And she had said then that she didn't really want consider them "dating."

By this point, the advisor has correctly determined this guy doesn't really have a girlfriend. At least, not the sort of relationship modern science could measure. She switched tactics to tell him that maybe he needed to accept God's sign that they weren't meant to be together. And that God only really blesses a union if there is a true and holy understanding between the man and woman.

Basically, she's trying to tell him to go out and get a real woman; your girlfriend isn't just the woman who brushed your arm at a party on the way to the punch bowl. She started asking him about his younger life and suggesting that he broaden his social horizons and meet new people. Then it came up that he'd been home-schooled from the age of four, had been strictly kept away from women, and had only met this girl at the library when he was trying to register to vote. The advisor switched tactics, began praising home schooling as a godly course, and that he was probably better off in the long run because of the incorporation of the Bible into everyday academics. She also thought gender isolation was a good way to promote "respect" between girls and boys.

I have no doubts that home-schooling probably produces a superior academic student. Most parents I know who are inclined to homeschool would no doubt be slavish taskmasters with regards to their children's education. Having said that, I think that raising a child without giving them the opportunity to socialize with the opposite sex is a form of child abuse. In listening to this young man talk on the radio, it was clear that he was completely flummoxed when it came to dealing with women his own age. I felt great pity as he explained his frustration in trying to get the girl to like him and marry him (that was his ultimate goal).

I'm no social whirlwind, but I know the power that a woman can have over if she actually pays attention to me. It's a wonderful feeling to receive attention from someone, but it can be overwhelming if you're not used to it. Socializing has lots of subtle workings that differentiate between a person who's really interested in you vs. one who is only paying attention to be polite. If this poor guy doesn't have a good background in dating and dealing with rejection, he's going to start blaming some external source for his problems, instead of examining himself for what he needs to change.