A Spectrum of Craziness: "E tu, Cruise?"

A couple of entries ago, I wrote a bizarre, schizophrenic entry about relationships. In the first half, I wrote about the sort of typical craziness a guy goes through when he's attracted towards a girl and doesn't know how to handle it. As a result of that entry and subsequent discussions with friends, I'm writing a follow-up to talk about the wide range of craziness that we (both sexes) go through.

Imagine a ladder in front of you which stretches both up and down. This is the continuum we're working on. It represents introversion and extroversion, with external reactions being "up" and self-conscious behavior being "down". The middle point on this ladder does not represent normality, but a balance between two kinds of crazy.

Let me set the boundaries of the scale, just so we have a common frame of reference. I'll use Hollywood stars, because it's more fun that way and it because it trivializes the more serious second half of this article. I'm all about undermining my own pronouncements.

At the top of the ladder (the extrovert) is Ashton Kutcher. For anyone over 30, he made his claim to fame as the big, dumb guy in "That 70's Show." He's been trying to both embrace that identity (with his practical joke TV show "Punk'd") and run from it (his "thinking hard" movie, Butterfly Effect, which is what happens when a director reads the book jacket of a Philip K. Dick story and gets $70 million to make a film about what he can remember the next day). I have no idea what his actual personality is, but since he seems to "play" his character on late shows, I'm going to assume he's the sort of fellow who'd gladly do some crazy action to prove his love for someone. Something like standing on a table in a fancy restaurant and singing a song about his girl, or streaking by her apartment naked with "Marry" written on one leg and "Me" on the other.

At the bottom end of the ladder is the introverted crazy. I picked Jude Law. Again, I have no idea what's he's like personally. I'm sure he's fine. It's his "movie character" I'm concerned about. I picked him because even when I see him in the upcoming holiday romantic comedy "Holiday" where he suavely woos Cameron Diaz, I still think that deep in his mind, he's crazy. I won't be able to watch that movie without thinking that when he's laughing at Ms. Diaz' culture shock from living in England ("Spotted Dick? Tee hee hee."), in his mind he's trying to decide how best to frame her for a murder, then mummify her so she can be with him FOREVER. But that's probably just me.

In the middle of the ladder, at the join between extrovert and introvert, is Tom Cruise. He's got it all. He's willing to jump up and down professing his love for his third wife, who's probably MUCH better (and younger) than the other two. He's also willing to go toe to toe with Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields to defend his Church. Extrovert, check.

His church is also a strange organization which doesn't believe in psychiatry, but does believe in aliens being the root of all our bad thoughts. Also, check out his eyes during the Lauer interview; he's seriously threatened. Introverted (because of personal demons that may actually be demons), check. Ok, we've established our scale.

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All silliness aside, my thoughts about this scale are simple. Guys seem to tend more towards the extrovert crazy, while women tend towards the introvert. Again, this is "seems". In reality, we're all a nice blend of crazy.

For the guys (which I'm most familiar with), things go pretty much as I mentioned them in that previous entry. Guys may have some feelings of inadequate self-worth and wondering if such a goddess (as they all are) would ever stoop to say hello. But most guys have a floor they rebound off of before the self-esteem falls too far. At some point, they'll say, "Yes, she's hot and I've got no chance. And she's got a boyfriend. But what do I have to lose?"

Even if they won't actually DO anything (like talk to the girl), they don't lose hope of her falling in love. To effect this, they'll just hang around all the time! When guys aren't well adapted to social behavior, they act out. One of my favorite quotes in from a Steve Martin screenplay, L.A. Story. His character is talking to a woman he's interested in.

Man -- "Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting people because that means I have to be interesting, too."

Woman -- "Are you saying I'm interesting?"

Man -- "I'm saying when I'm around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting." [paraphrased from memory]

Men like to show off, and if they can't, they try to be annoying. They do this because, if you're annoying, the girl IS still thinking about you, and "any publicity is good publicity". I can recall doing the following things to girls I liked: pulling their hair, bringing them Pop-Tarts, giving backrubs, presenting "free" tickets to something, talking down about other guys, buying presents which were "really inexpensive, actually", buying the favorite type of gum to have ready, attending the events of their sport, trying to be more sensitive than their boyfriends, using any excuse to touch them (even stepping on their feet)...

I could go on, but I'm starting to get ashamed of my own behavior. My point is that the length that guys go to is all demonstrative. "Positive," if you will. Guys may have doubts about their own worth, but they usually say that if the girl "knew the real me," then there would be happiness. There's a floor of self-esteem that props them up and prevents them from falling too far.

Now it's time to enter the realm of observation and conjecture. I don't know what it's like to be female. I only know what it's like to be a man with an immature kid calling the shots. Many women have been open and frank about what goes through their minds, however. I feel like an author dedicating a book, but their experiences help inform what I have to say. Remember, I'm talking in general, and may even be familiar only with a minority portion of some women's thoughts. [translation: It may only be six or twelve women out of 3.5 billion]

The main difference seems to be that women don't have the floor of self-esteem. Or it's not in the same place, anyway. They also have a "ceiling" on how demonstrably crazy they get. Exceptions abound, but in general, women are more reserved in how extroverted they behave.

For instance, it would never occur to me to wonder if, when an attractive girl started showing interest in me, she was actually sincere. I might be mystified, but not openly skeptical. Some women I've spoken to have so little faith in their own worth that they can't quite accept that anyone would be attracted to them. This is what I term introverted craziness, or "negative", because it pulls the person back into themselves.

Or perhaps it's just me that's the oddity. A friend recently expressed surprise that I was so friendly. We hadn't been in contact for a couple of years (as is often the case with my friends now), but after we established contact again, we've been embroiled in lots of conversations about issues that are important to me (and some that are just fun, like "heaven as a Ponzi scheme"). I value any friend who makes good conversation and can put together intelligent points. I have questions that I don't understand! I appreciate any friend who can teach me something, and I value any friend who can say "You're wrong."

Anyway, she told me I was in the minority (rather than normal) in terms of someone of my age and gender being interested in talking. I don't necessarily believe this (because it makes me in the minority if true, and that's sad), but I told her a dirty secret about me: I talk so I can understand people.

I know I've done crazy things. They seemed like smart and crafty actions at the time, but at least I understand now why I did them. And I've found that I don't need them. We attract people of the opposite sex based on what we show to others. And all the hair-pulling in the world isn't going to net me the kind of girl I actually want. I'm lucky, though; for the most part in my life, I've relaxed into the man I actually am. And because I'm relaxed, it's a lot easier to appeal to the people whom I have an interest in.

It hurts when friends are down on themselves. Unfortunately, the only proof I can offer is that I am not friends with people whom I feel have no value. This is terrifically blunt, but it's the most straightforward thing I can say. At the very least, I think my friends have merit. Those with really low self-esteem will say I am mistaken, with regards to whatever I value about them.

Because when it comes to trust, who ranks higher? Doctor Andy, or personal experience and reinforced negativity?