Step 1: Romantic Fool, Know Thyself!

Preparatory reading: Alexander Pope's "Know Thyself"

I hear a lot of commentary on relationships. Everybody seems to like talking about them, and I know everyone likes hearing about them (I blame soap operas). Most people are either in a relationship, between relationships, or have seen one on TV. I should hope that everyone knows by now that each relationship is unique. No one can advise you of what will be 100% successful all of the time. Good thing half the fun of relationships is learning.

In light of that, this entry is going to be about the number one "most important" step in a relationship. Possibly redundant to say this now, but what follows is my opinion.

As the subject line indicates, the most important of all relationship achievements is to know thyself. As the saying goes: progress begins at home. However, I want to draw a distinction between "knowing" and "predicting." You can be comfortable with yourself and still leave lots of room for spontaneity.

Too often, people get immersed in relationships and feel that they're losing themselves in the process. Luckily, there's a way to combat that. If you're truly comfortable with who you are and what you think, you're going to be in a more secure place. The nice part about this step is that by placing the focus on yourself, it allows you to uncover things that you may not know. What are your motivations? What are your hopes and aspirations? What are your weaknesses?

Not just relationships: if you're doing this first step right, you're well on your way to having a successful LIFE, period. If the thought of traveling makes you uneasy, that's good to know. If you just want to hang out and drink beers without worrying about life, it's good to be able to go into a relationship armed with knowledge of this preference.

This is important because everyone enters relationships looking for different things. If these goals for the relationship line up, the chances are drastically improved that the relationship will be successful. It also minimizes people being hurt through unrealistic expectations. After all, if you're thinking "marriage" and your partner is thinking "bowling buddy," you're going to have some conflict down the road.

In spite of this, don't feel the need to go into a social setting with only a particular dance on your card. Just because someone is just a friend today doesn't necessarily prevent them from being more later. Yet another reason why it's good to know how you feel about things, so that you're not caught off guard by "gee, this girl is fantastic! But I'm not prepared for serious things" or "he does what for a living? Retreat!"

Another spectacular benefit of introspection is that you're more likely to be honest from the get-go. Honesty is the fuel for a good relationship. If you run out, it's going to be slow going. And if you don't have enough to start with, you're in trouble. I've noticed that some people treat honesty as if it were some sort of "perk" reserved for deeper relationships. "I would tell him the truth, but what's the point?" Honesty isn't something you tack on after your twelve-month anniversary. It starts in your thoughts, before you ever meet anyone or say anything.

Understanding yourself also means you're less likely to compromise yourself or your beliefs. If you have a pretty good idea what you think, it's less likely that you'll be bullied into things. You are unique. That's good! Part of success is realizing who you are. And if you like the person you are, it makes it a lot more likely that you'll find someone who likes you for the same reasons.

If you don't like who you are, it's a mistake to go searching for someone to "complete" you. Too much dependence on outside approval can lead to all sorts of problems, and not just in the relationship. It's a slippery slope that often leads to a complete surrendering of personal self-worth; surrendering it to other people. If you're in a relationship that protects that "weak spot," that's one thing. I think the odds are greater, however, that someone will take advantage of your flaw.

Knowing yourself is about covering three important areas:

1. KNOW your flaws. (i.e. dangers, self-deprecations, weaknesses, discomforts, and areas of lesser proficiency)
2. KNOW your strengths. (Like 'likes', skills, accomplishments, and reasons for people to want to know you)
3. KNOW your goals. (What you want out of life, this relationship, a partner, a friend, yourself, your career, your happiness, this day, etc.)

Having an understanding of these points helps to plant you in good ground for a prospective relationship.