"No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money"

--Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

They may not have written for money, but I do full suspect them of being blockheads. I received a card in yesterday's mail from the "Directory Office" of my high school. Yes, being class of 1996, it's one of those reunion years: time to update my information! I hesitate, though. Not because I don't like my high school...no. The address of the Webster Groves High School Directory office is a post office box in... Virginia? Strange, I thought for sure my high school was in St. Louis, Missouri. I must have been mistaken. No wonder that morning bus ride always took sooooo long.

And, however they managed to get my current address in Kansas (kudos, by the way), they failed the most important thing. It's addressed to Andrew D. Schwartz. I don't know who he is, but perhaps he lived here at my address before me, and went to high school in Virginia. And if it's supposed to be me, then how can I be bothered for my information if they don't even remember my name correctly. At least it's correct on my diploma.

On a somewhat related note, I received a stamped, hand addressed letter on the same day addressed to Andrew and Janet Schwartz. I haven't seen my wife Janet lately (or ever) and I really think she needs to start pulling her weight around here. Dishes have been piling up, she never helps with the rent or grocery shopping, and she must be cheating on me, because it seems like she never comes to bed with me when it's time for sleeping.

Even stranger are the contents: an advertisment for a store that seems to specialize in invitations for bat/bar mitzvah. "25% off MAZEL TOV!" (This particular mazeltov is a font.)

By process of elimination, my wife Janet must be Jewish. And not particularly observant, because she really should have had her bat mitzvah BEFORE getting married. Ich vill nicht vesn! Then again, maybe she was waiting for good sales on invitations. Nu, who could blame her?