Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Our marginalized server: a pointless play in one libelous act

INTERIOR: Local Mexican Eating Establishment

CAST:

ANDY - John's eldest brother. Has receding and wild hair, creating an effect vaguely similar to "Doc Brown" from "Back to the Future". Has a beard, obviously subscribing to the "total average" theory of head hair.

JOHN - Andy's youngest brother. Was once told he looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr., but now wears a beard that one might see on George Clooney, in any film besides "O, Brother: Where Art Thou?"

DORA - Attractive mid-20s waitperson. Despite the busyness of the eatery, she seems to only have two tables. Bears a striking and heavy-lidded resemblance to a seemingly stoned Apple commercial testimonial, who was later revealed to have been taking Benedryl. DORA is very happy and pleasant, but not effusively so. She is the definition of mellow.

[JOHN and ANDY are shown to a booth. They disrobe from their heavy winter gear.]

ANDY: I can't believe we ran three marathons today! I can't believe some people can't even finish one!

JOHN: Indeed. Were I to run only two, I probably would have fallen asleep on my feet from lack of challenge. Should we swim to Scotland tomorrow?

ANDY: I think we better had! I hear that... [he stops with the approach of DORA]

DORA: [smiling as one does when first awoken] Hi! Welcome to Tecano's Southerwestern Mexi-sperience. I'm Dora. [she continues smiling as several beats go by]

JOHN: [breaking the silence] Uhh... hi.

DORA: [as though meeting an old friend] Oh, hey! How's it going?

JOHN: [a beat] ... Fine. I'd like water.

ANDY: [blinking] I would also.

DORA: [seemingly relieved and accepting of the choice] Greeeaaat. I'll be back.

[DORA leaves]

JOHN: [hesitantly] Does our waitress seem a little...

ANDY: [nods once] Yes. She seems very ... relaxed.

[dinner continues. The food is excellent, and DORA is an extremely attentive waitress. JOHN remarks that his water glass has never been empty, which is a challenge for spicy mexican food.]

[DORA brings the bill to the table.]

DORA: Thanks! Just pay me when you're ready.

ANDY: Dora? This isn't quite right. The house salad, when ordered with the entree, should only be $2.50, not $4.00.

DORA: [thinking] Umm...

ANDY: It's listed at the bottom of the menu.

DORA: [cheerfully dismissive] Oh! Ok. No. Sure! Right. I'll fix it.

[ANDY isn't sure she actually understood at all, but it's warm in the restaurant and cold outside, so staying a bit longer isn't difficult.]

[An inordinate amount of time passes. DORA only has two tables, and the other table has long since left, reducing her work load by half. A simple item change shouldn't take five minutes. More chips and salsa are eaten.]

DORA: [returning, in the same tone as before] Thanks! Just pay me when you're ready.

[ANDY sees that the bill is now correct. He figures the tip, calculating 20% on the before-tax amount, because DORA was very attentive.]

[ANDY pauses, then laughs]

JOHN: What?

ANDY: I figured the tip. It came out to four-twenty.

JOHN: Heh! She'll probably think that's the greatest tip ever.

[JOHN and ANDY share a laugh over the possibility their waitress was taking Benedryl, with ANDY remarking that DORA bore some similarities in behavior to other Benedryl enthusiasts from his managerial times.]

[Outside, the wind is bitterly cold]

THE END

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