LUCIUS: "O noble father, you lament in vain:
The tribunes hear you not; no man is by;
And you recount your sorrows to a stone.
TITUS:
Ah, Lucius, for thy brothers let me plead.
Grave tribunes, once more I entreat of you,--
LUCIUS
My gracious lord, no tribune hears you speak.
TITUS:
Why, tis no matter, man; if they did hear,
They would not mark me, or if they did mark,
They would not pity me, yet plead I must;
Therefore I tell my sorrows to the stones;
Who, though they cannot answer my distress,
Yet in some sort they are better than the tribunes,
For that they will not intercept my tale;
When I do weep, they humbly at my feet
Receive my tears and seem to weep with me..."
---- TITUS ANDRONICUS, Act III, i
I ended up at the blog of a student this afternoon, mostly by accident. I was following threads around from people I do know and, on a lark, followed a comment made to a friend's profile back to the original writer. She's a student at my university, also studying music, though to my knowledge I've never seen her. Her name is also not one I've ever heard, so she's as good as a stranger to me, excepting that she seems to know a few of my friends.
What struck me about her profile page was the comment in the "Religious Views" box: she wrote "A sinner saved by grace". My first thought was "Wow, a Calvinist, in this day and age?" It turns out she's not really a Calvanist, but that's what happens when I spend more time studying the Reformation than the latest Bible answer shows. Instead, she's part of a large group of Christians who eschew the "Christian" label, for whatever reason. Instead, when prompted for their religion for Facebook from a list of 18 Christian faiths (including plain old Christian and, amusingly, Amish), they choose to put something else in. Common ones I've seen include "Relationship with Jesus Christ", "I love Jesus", "King Jesus", or even just "Jesus!".
So, right from the bat, I'm struck by her duality. On one hand, she fully admits to being a sinner. In itself, I suppose that's nothing: many Christian denominations believe that we're all sinners until we die. I don't know if it's something that I'd be placing on my Facebook page with a proud list of other achievements, but she's not me. On the flip side, she's saved by grace, placing herself in the lee of Jesus Christ who stands firm against the tides of sin.
All this was interesting, but the status updates really hit me. Over the last few months, she's been fighting serious battles, apparently on a daily basis. Again, I don't know this lady, but she's obviously in dire need.
It starts off positively enough:
February 25: I am resting in the mercy, grace, omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence of my heavenly Father (and every other awe-inspiring characteristic of God).
This sort of flowery and anxiously over-vehement testimony is par for the course, so take this as a happy baseline. She is, by her own admission, "resting" at this point.
February 28: I am waiting on her Lord in following the command and believing in the promise of Psalm 27:14.
Time to seek out my Bible for reference.
Psalm 27 is one of the more famous, beginning with "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:14 is a psalm of adversity. In the course of the Psalm, the enemies of David have risen up and delivered false witness. He even plans for the time when his own parents will forsake him. In other words, the fan is thoroughly covered in feces. Yet in spite of all, David places himself in trust with God. The ironic twist is that God is an absentee deity in this Psalm. David is singing praises and begging for help from the Lord, but the Lord has made no answer. The chapter is hopeful, but ultimately unresolved.
Verse 14 is the final statement, which says: "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!" In the immortal words of Sam and Dave:
In other words, people don't quote this Psalm when things are going good.
March 2: I cannot love apart from Jesus.
Gosh. That seems pretty severe.
March 4: I am trusting in God's sovereignty.
March 5: I am broken.
March 6: I am broken physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but Jesus is fighting for me!
March 9: I know that these trials will bring me closer to Him, so I will walk through the valley and go through the fire if He wants me to.
March 13: My knees are on the floor again.
March 15: I am fighting to see things through the eyes of God and in light of eternity.
March 16: I am counting on God's strength being made perfect in my weakness... His grace is sufficient!
March 17: I am thinking God for the amazing day of restoration and renewal yesterday... I am so blessed!
Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel. But that light is apparently just the train coming at her.
March 18: I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and selfishly long for Home with my Savior where there will be no more tears... no more pain... no more sorrow...
So, she's gone from being blessed on Monday, to suicidal on Tuesday. She'll snap back around, and by March 22, she's back to rejoicing. But by March 31, she's back to accusing herself of being weak.
April 1 brings a carefully crafted phrase that is probably something she's heard time and again in services or worship sessions: I can't live by what I feel, but only by the truth His Word reveals. Once again, the admission that whatever comes from herself is false, weak, transitory, and ultimately unhelpful. Can she have so little faith in herself? Or is it that she's in such a dark place that she's willing to toss the "self-respect" baby out with the bathwater? It's a place where she seemingly spends a lot of time when things aren't going well.
April 12: I am discouraged, frustrated, and hurt, but trusting in God in all things.
April 20: I am marveling at God's thoughts and ways that are so much higher than mine. WOW!
What really caught my attention were the mood swings. Up -- down -- way up -- rock bottom. I have no idea what the individual circumstances are that preceded all of these comments, just a general knowledge about broken relationships and disappointments. But she believes that God is the one taking her from manic to depressive five times a week. That he is showing her something by giving her crushing despair every other day.
That's the image that I had in mind when I chose the beginning passage from Titus Andronicus. It's the most powerful moment in the play (if not all of Shakespeare) for me, because Titus doesn't know what to do besides begging for help. Titus is a loyal Roman general who has given his life (and some of his sons) for the glory of Rome. When things start to turn against him, he goes to the Consuls to beg for the life of one of his remaining sons. They leave the room in silence, leaving Titus prostrate on the floor, beseeching the now-empty chamber for mercy.
When told that the chamber is empty and no one hears him, Titus continues begging even as he acknowledges the futility. He simply can't do anything else. He is appealing to the people in power and they are his last hope for saving his imprisoned sons. The tribunes may be gone, but there's nothing else for him to do; he's at the top of the ladder. His efforts are fruitless, but the efforts are fruitless everywhere else, too. He may as well stay on the floor, in case someone comes back.
That's where I think this suffering student is. She's obviously torn in pain, but her religious convictions tell her that she should just wail at the ocean waves until she gets a response. Eventually, her life goes on an upswing (as it usually must), and it's proof of the power of prayer and the beneficence of God. But why pray? She believes God put her into suffering and doubt to test her character; He's obviously not going to pay attention to her when she asks to be delivered.
If I thought that every good and bad thing in my life was at the will of someone else, I'd go crazy and decide that nothing I did mattered. It bothers my soul to see someone striving for meaning in every single of the ups and downs of everyday life. If you find a good parking spot at the mall, Praise the Lord. If there's a sale on dish washing soap when you need it, Glorify His Name! If the toilet paper runs out at night, show me the error of my ways, Lord! If the car starts leaking oil, I'm willing to go where you lead me, Jesus!
It sounds funny with small things like that, but it's not as funny when the issues are more serious. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, but I trust that Jesus isn't putting me through this pain for nothing. He may have been cheating on me, even as I loved him and planned my life: Lord, how can I make it through the day? I got the job I'd applied for: You are forever merciful and loving. My ex is laughing at my tears; I'm trying hard, Jesus, but I don't understand why I deserve this.
I feel bad for this student; she's obviously in the middle of some very tough times. My concern is that she's doing harm to herself by putting so much of the control of her destiny outside of herself. What if she's just pleading with an empty room? Or worse, what if she's pleading with someone who doesn't care?
.
And you recount your sorrows to a stone.
TITUS:
Ah, Lucius, for thy brothers let me plead.
Grave tribunes, once more I entreat of you,--
LUCIUS
My gracious lord, no tribune hears you speak.
TITUS:
Why, tis no matter, man; if they did hear,
They would not mark me, or if they did mark,
They would not pity me, yet plead I must;
Therefore I tell my sorrows to the stones;
Who, though they cannot answer my distress,
Yet in some sort they are better than the tribunes,
For that they will not intercept my tale;
When I do weep, they humbly at my feet
Receive my tears and seem to weep with me..."
---- TITUS ANDRONICUS, Act III, i
I ended up at the blog of a student this afternoon, mostly by accident. I was following threads around from people I do know and, on a lark, followed a comment made to a friend's profile back to the original writer. She's a student at my university, also studying music, though to my knowledge I've never seen her. Her name is also not one I've ever heard, so she's as good as a stranger to me, excepting that she seems to know a few of my friends.
What struck me about her profile page was the comment in the "Religious Views" box: she wrote "A sinner saved by grace". My first thought was "Wow, a Calvinist, in this day and age?" It turns out she's not really a Calvanist, but that's what happens when I spend more time studying the Reformation than the latest Bible answer shows. Instead, she's part of a large group of Christians who eschew the "Christian" label, for whatever reason. Instead, when prompted for their religion for Facebook from a list of 18 Christian faiths (including plain old Christian and, amusingly, Amish), they choose to put something else in. Common ones I've seen include "Relationship with Jesus Christ", "I love Jesus", "King Jesus", or even just "Jesus!".
So, right from the bat, I'm struck by her duality. On one hand, she fully admits to being a sinner. In itself, I suppose that's nothing: many Christian denominations believe that we're all sinners until we die. I don't know if it's something that I'd be placing on my Facebook page with a proud list of other achievements, but she's not me. On the flip side, she's saved by grace, placing herself in the lee of Jesus Christ who stands firm against the tides of sin.
All this was interesting, but the status updates really hit me. Over the last few months, she's been fighting serious battles, apparently on a daily basis. Again, I don't know this lady, but she's obviously in dire need.
It starts off positively enough:
February 25: I am resting in the mercy, grace, omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence of my heavenly Father (and every other awe-inspiring characteristic of God).
This sort of flowery and anxiously over-vehement testimony is par for the course, so take this as a happy baseline. She is, by her own admission, "resting" at this point.
February 28: I am waiting on her Lord in following the command and believing in the promise of Psalm 27:14.
Time to seek out my Bible for reference.
Psalm 27 is one of the more famous, beginning with "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:14 is a psalm of adversity. In the course of the Psalm, the enemies of David have risen up and delivered false witness. He even plans for the time when his own parents will forsake him. In other words, the fan is thoroughly covered in feces. Yet in spite of all, David places himself in trust with God. The ironic twist is that God is an absentee deity in this Psalm. David is singing praises and begging for help from the Lord, but the Lord has made no answer. The chapter is hopeful, but ultimately unresolved.
Verse 14 is the final statement, which says: "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!" In the immortal words of Sam and Dave:
In other words, people don't quote this Psalm when things are going good.
March 2: I cannot love apart from Jesus.
Gosh. That seems pretty severe.
March 4: I am trusting in God's sovereignty.
March 5: I am broken.
March 6: I am broken physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but Jesus is fighting for me!
March 9: I know that these trials will bring me closer to Him, so I will walk through the valley and go through the fire if He wants me to.
March 13: My knees are on the floor again.
March 15: I am fighting to see things through the eyes of God and in light of eternity.
March 16: I am counting on God's strength being made perfect in my weakness... His grace is sufficient!
March 17: I am thinking God for the amazing day of restoration and renewal yesterday... I am so blessed!
Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel. But that light is apparently just the train coming at her.
March 18: I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and selfishly long for Home with my Savior where there will be no more tears... no more pain... no more sorrow...
So, she's gone from being blessed on Monday, to suicidal on Tuesday. She'll snap back around, and by March 22, she's back to rejoicing. But by March 31, she's back to accusing herself of being weak.
April 1 brings a carefully crafted phrase that is probably something she's heard time and again in services or worship sessions: I can't live by what I feel, but only by the truth His Word reveals. Once again, the admission that whatever comes from herself is false, weak, transitory, and ultimately unhelpful. Can she have so little faith in herself? Or is it that she's in such a dark place that she's willing to toss the "self-respect" baby out with the bathwater? It's a place where she seemingly spends a lot of time when things aren't going well.
April 12: I am discouraged, frustrated, and hurt, but trusting in God in all things.
April 20: I am marveling at God's thoughts and ways that are so much higher than mine. WOW!
What really caught my attention were the mood swings. Up -- down -- way up -- rock bottom. I have no idea what the individual circumstances are that preceded all of these comments, just a general knowledge about broken relationships and disappointments. But she believes that God is the one taking her from manic to depressive five times a week. That he is showing her something by giving her crushing despair every other day.
That's the image that I had in mind when I chose the beginning passage from Titus Andronicus. It's the most powerful moment in the play (if not all of Shakespeare) for me, because Titus doesn't know what to do besides begging for help. Titus is a loyal Roman general who has given his life (and some of his sons) for the glory of Rome. When things start to turn against him, he goes to the Consuls to beg for the life of one of his remaining sons. They leave the room in silence, leaving Titus prostrate on the floor, beseeching the now-empty chamber for mercy.
When told that the chamber is empty and no one hears him, Titus continues begging even as he acknowledges the futility. He simply can't do anything else. He is appealing to the people in power and they are his last hope for saving his imprisoned sons. The tribunes may be gone, but there's nothing else for him to do; he's at the top of the ladder. His efforts are fruitless, but the efforts are fruitless everywhere else, too. He may as well stay on the floor, in case someone comes back.
That's where I think this suffering student is. She's obviously torn in pain, but her religious convictions tell her that she should just wail at the ocean waves until she gets a response. Eventually, her life goes on an upswing (as it usually must), and it's proof of the power of prayer and the beneficence of God. But why pray? She believes God put her into suffering and doubt to test her character; He's obviously not going to pay attention to her when she asks to be delivered.
If I thought that every good and bad thing in my life was at the will of someone else, I'd go crazy and decide that nothing I did mattered. It bothers my soul to see someone striving for meaning in every single of the ups and downs of everyday life. If you find a good parking spot at the mall, Praise the Lord. If there's a sale on dish washing soap when you need it, Glorify His Name! If the toilet paper runs out at night, show me the error of my ways, Lord! If the car starts leaking oil, I'm willing to go where you lead me, Jesus!
It sounds funny with small things like that, but it's not as funny when the issues are more serious. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, but I trust that Jesus isn't putting me through this pain for nothing. He may have been cheating on me, even as I loved him and planned my life: Lord, how can I make it through the day? I got the job I'd applied for: You are forever merciful and loving. My ex is laughing at my tears; I'm trying hard, Jesus, but I don't understand why I deserve this.
I feel bad for this student; she's obviously in the middle of some very tough times. My concern is that she's doing harm to herself by putting so much of the control of her destiny outside of herself. What if she's just pleading with an empty room? Or worse, what if she's pleading with someone who doesn't care?
.
and yet, if she is so desperate, think of where she would be if she had no faith to turn to.
ReplyDeleteIt is heartbreaking to see something like this, especially having experienced it personally. I feel in situations like these, faith is limiting, because it does make you depend on something external. It's terribly limiting, especially as things continue to pile on.
ReplyDeleteThe realization that you are the one in the drivers seat is extremely liberating. Happiness is a choice you can make. Bad things happen, and you can accept them an move on. You can practice mindfulness, which leads to peace.
The mindset that you must depend on god is a direct extension of the doctrine of original sin - we are not good enough ourselves, only god can save us. Some people find the idea of being able to depend on god very comforting. If it works for them - great! But when you get into the cycle of self-doubt and hardship, I found this idea to be extremely damaging.
As a side note, calvinism is still swinging strongly in some places. My best friend from high school belongs to a calvinist church.