Can we harness them for fuel?

My telephone rings every day. Not my cell phone, but my actual signal-from-the-wall telephone. Every day, companies call. They've called for as long as I've been living here. Close to three years, they've left messages.

Some of the calls are robotic. They have a machine who calls my number, and speaks to my machine. I feel bad for my answering machine, because it doesn't get to listen to interesting calls anymore. When I lived in Columbia and had no cell phone, I got messages from all kinds of people. Study group on Friday. Dinner on Saturday. The park on Sunday. Come swim at the pool on Monday. Now my machine only listens to people selling things.

Some of the robots who call are smart. They're patient enough to wait for the beep and then start talking. I don't know how they know. Some of the machines are dumb, and start talking as soon as the "virtual me" picks up the phone. This leaves me with a message that consists of "...aking the time to listen. Remember, rates are the lowest right now." No number, and no clue what they're talking about. Very effective. It's the phone equivalent of those blank SPAM emails I'm always receiving.

What I didn't expect was that most of the calls I receive are actual humans. And man, are they persistent! Since the second day I lived in this building, I've been getting phone calls for a particular satellite TV company. I live in a condo, so I can't just go putting a dish on the roof. I explained to the first guy who called, "Dave" that I couldn't have satellite. He said thanks. A week later, he left another message on my machine. Every two weeks or so from that point on, they call.

I must be shuffled to different "case workers". First it was Dave. Dave lasted for the better part of an entire year. Then one day, he was gone. It was now Jill. She called. Same script as Dave. "Oh, hi guys! Just wanted to let you know you've been selected for a free, complete in-house satellite TV system!" Very friendly, as though I might get confused that it was actually a friend calling to let me know about a great TV deal. A friend with an 800 number. And a lot of patience.

After Jill came Peter. After Peter came Craig. And finally, almost three years down the line, Craig has given way to Jim. They're not recordings, because the message is subtly different each time. I know because if I come back from vacation and there are two or three on my machine, I can listen to them back-to-back and compare. They've started offering TIVO and HD now, that's pretty cool.

I tried to save them the expense and time in the beginning, but they just didn't listen. So now I let them call, because I wish to support the careers of Jim and Craig and Peter. Not Jill, though. She sounded too much like a tease. Sure, she offered me the same thing as everyone else, but I could hear the loneliness in her voice. The vulnerability. But she disappeared without so much as a "bye". Heartless witch!

Anyway, I allow my machine to count towards the quota of made calls in a day. Perhaps someday I'll let them know that I really can't have a dish on my place, but that didn't seem to work the first time.

But they keep calling. For three years, I've been a no sale. They must just figure I'm a VERY crafty consumer. "Hmmm, I'm betting by year five, they'll knock two bucks off!" Strangely enough, everyone speaks very clearly. American accents abound. Why hasn't the "talking to brick wall" sales pitch department been outsourced to India? They could save the completely understandable people to do important customer service phone work, where sometimes an impenetrable accent can be a liability and a frustration.

While I was typing this, another message got left. This one's for the prize. Those calls have been coming since the first day, too. They're always calling to say that I've won a spectacular prize! They never say what it is, or what the company is, but they keep trying! Several different caller personalities have been on this one, too, over the years. But the players here are earnest. I can hear in their voices that I am crazy to not call back and accept the prize. Am I feeling ok, because I must be broken on the floor with delirium to have not responded. It is, as they say, a "limited time offer". Err... yeah. Limited. The offer's only good for like... TWO presidential terms, TOPS.

I don't know what the prize is, but I do know that you only have a year to claim the lottery, if you win. After that year, you're out of luck. And the lottery doesn't really try hard to find you. They'd rather NOT have to give the money away. In light of these facts, I can't imagine why this company (whatever they do) is so adamant that I accept whatever it is they've been offering (over and over again) for three years.

I'd be a fool not to, right?