Look at all this stuff!
In one way, it's extremely difficult to come back to blogging after a fair amount of time. Not because it's hard to write again, but because I get overwhelmed with all the stuff I could write about. It's a similar problem to what I feel if I let my journal fall aside for weeks. What can I possibly write about that will feel like a significant topic, to give the illusion that I spent all this time thinking about something really profound.
A couple of weeks ago, I spent most of an afternoon talking in one place with smart people. No, it wasn't a MENSA gathering. Just friends at the local pizza place, killing an afternoon. I, of course, enjoyed myself immensely.
One of the participants was putting herself through the wringer over her relationships; specifically, how crazy they seem to be. The most recent "significant others" had been very intense, and were ready to swear love and marriage very soon after starting the relationship. They had said that they weren't usually like this, but that she (my friend) was the reason.
She's not getting married. And she's rather concerned about this effect she has on people and doesn't seem to know how to "turn off." The more I thought of it, I wondered if we are a little too quick to throw ourselves into relationships. We hear so much nowadays about how hard it is to date (every city I've lived in has always been described by the inhabitants as "the hardest city to be single in"). We hear horror stories about all kinds of people, and what happens to friends of friends. We are told repeatedly how we should hang on to good things as soon as we find them.
Is it right? Is it fair to a relationship? If things go well and smoothly for a while, why should we suddenly up and hurry to try to cement the relationship. Some people move SO fast, you wonder if they saw some sort of expiration date on their beloved's forehead: For best results, marry before 30.
In this particular situation, I'm wondering about guys. Being one myself, I have a pretty easy time placing myself into these other guys' shoes. I'm betting they're just happy to have someone connect with them, and they feel that THAT should be bottled and preserved as soon as possible.
I'm all for letting things go right for a long time. In spite of the fact that some parents REALLY want grandchildren, I don't think there's anything to hurry along. I've heard quickly-married friends say that everything was right, so they didn't feel like waiting. I couldn't be so cavalier about such a decision, and were I a member of a religion for whom divorce is seriously frowned-upon, I'd be even more shy about making a decision.
My friend kept coming back to a single question: how do you know it's the right person? There are lots of possible answers to this, and many are lifted straight out of movies and romance novels. I'm not going to hazzard a particular method here; that's a subject for another entry. And besides.... because...well.... physician, heal thyself.
Lest I leave you so unsatisfied, there is one thing I know: there will never be any relationships without the risk of hurt. We have to soldier past the initial discomfort of being vulnerable. Letting our guard down and waiting is essential, at some point. If we expose our vulnerability and the other person respects it, that builds trust (the fabric of all good relationships).
It is a risk, though. The safe route is doing nothing. Saying nothing. Waiting for things to happen to you. But we don't choose inaction because it's safer. We do this because it hurts less, in the short term. In the long term, it may end up hurting more.... but we humans don't do well accepting long-term consequences.
A couple of weeks ago, I spent most of an afternoon talking in one place with smart people. No, it wasn't a MENSA gathering. Just friends at the local pizza place, killing an afternoon. I, of course, enjoyed myself immensely.
One of the participants was putting herself through the wringer over her relationships; specifically, how crazy they seem to be. The most recent "significant others" had been very intense, and were ready to swear love and marriage very soon after starting the relationship. They had said that they weren't usually like this, but that she (my friend) was the reason.
She's not getting married. And she's rather concerned about this effect she has on people and doesn't seem to know how to "turn off." The more I thought of it, I wondered if we are a little too quick to throw ourselves into relationships. We hear so much nowadays about how hard it is to date (every city I've lived in has always been described by the inhabitants as "the hardest city to be single in"). We hear horror stories about all kinds of people, and what happens to friends of friends. We are told repeatedly how we should hang on to good things as soon as we find them.
Is it right? Is it fair to a relationship? If things go well and smoothly for a while, why should we suddenly up and hurry to try to cement the relationship. Some people move SO fast, you wonder if they saw some sort of expiration date on their beloved's forehead: For best results, marry before 30.
In this particular situation, I'm wondering about guys. Being one myself, I have a pretty easy time placing myself into these other guys' shoes. I'm betting they're just happy to have someone connect with them, and they feel that THAT should be bottled and preserved as soon as possible.
I'm all for letting things go right for a long time. In spite of the fact that some parents REALLY want grandchildren, I don't think there's anything to hurry along. I've heard quickly-married friends say that everything was right, so they didn't feel like waiting. I couldn't be so cavalier about such a decision, and were I a member of a religion for whom divorce is seriously frowned-upon, I'd be even more shy about making a decision.
My friend kept coming back to a single question: how do you know it's the right person? There are lots of possible answers to this, and many are lifted straight out of movies and romance novels. I'm not going to hazzard a particular method here; that's a subject for another entry. And besides.... because...well.... physician, heal thyself.
Lest I leave you so unsatisfied, there is one thing I know: there will never be any relationships without the risk of hurt. We have to soldier past the initial discomfort of being vulnerable. Letting our guard down and waiting is essential, at some point. If we expose our vulnerability and the other person respects it, that builds trust (the fabric of all good relationships).
It is a risk, though. The safe route is doing nothing. Saying nothing. Waiting for things to happen to you. But we don't choose inaction because it's safer. We do this because it hurts less, in the short term. In the long term, it may end up hurting more.... but we humans don't do well accepting long-term consequences.
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