Thursday, October 18, 2007

Plain Andy, Revisited

Private Journal Entry from October 12, 2004. Originally written in blue ink in a blue-covered notebook. I present it mostly unaltered. Brackets [] will indicate anything I add or replace for clarity or anonymity. I post this here because I happened to stumble upon this entry from almost exactly three years ago, and found it interesting.

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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Boy, has it been a while since my last journal entry. I resisted it, because I feared it meant a return to the distant and anti-social tendencies that inhabit the dark side of my personality. I've come to the conclusion that these entries were never the source of the problem, only a symptom. So, perhaps as long as I can keep my head above the metaphorical water, it might be bearable.

Doctoral study in Kansas City! Who would have predicted? I assumed I would never bother getting this far, but then I realized I might actually use it. I think it will be a good career move. And who knows, maybe it will exercise some of the old Eagle Scout demons. Or, it will become a new Eagle Scout demon. Whee! [I never completed my Eagle Scout rank in Boy Scouts, a fact which was a point of considerable discussion and frustration in my family.]

It's fantastic to be on my own again. Living by myself and being responsible has its good points. There's a strange sort of symmetry between what happened four years ago in Columbia, and what's happening here and now. Moving to a new town and school, only acquainted with a couple of people, including a recently married trombone friend who has a baby. I spend a fair amount of time with [this friend and his child], usually Wednesdays after my lesson. I do it partially for the fun of being there, and partially for the purpose of starving off that feeling of being alone. It's hard to escape from that feeling. It's gotten stronger since [a friend's suicide attempt]. It would be nice to have someone to break it down with. I would do it here [i.e., the journal], but I'm wary of only getting regurgitated information that yields the one perspective I already have. I've tried reaching out to friends, but it didn't work. I think it was a problem with my delivery. Or maybe it's just me.

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